lunacy - di sini taman langitku

its been a while .. eh, takdelah eh..last entry was posted on friday. Ayah's medical appt finished early so he waited up @ NCC for us. In returned, i went to buy tea for him. I guess him coming gave some kindda moral support to ibuk in a very 'unseen' way *sigh* ibuk's CT Scan gave a mix signalled to the overall report. Some nodule gone. some decreased in size while some increases. Dr Ng puzzled by the report. So he suggested ibuk need to go thru another round of chemo. We're a bit skeptical on this. He dun look too sure himself or maybe he is worried hmm .. that nite, was a movie nite for the 4 us.

i guess today prolly the day to see if all our 'ikhtiar' works on ibuk after 3 mths of chemo and DNA treatment. doc gonna let us know ibuk CTsCan results. Ya Allah let there be great improvement on ibuk's condition, Let her be well again, Amin. congrats to Vesshnu and the Madrasahs Students on their PSLE results ; )

prolly my last 2 entries memberi berbagai reaksi to those who loves me ; ) i hv a habit of not eating when i got emotionally affected. Thus i wud fall sick and sedar diri that im not taking care of myself seperti yang diamanah oleh Yang Maha Pencipta. Sejujurnya aku ucapkan terima kasih for the private msges.. doakan utk ibuk ya. Yes, i wanna make believe that ibuk will be well again. My biggest wish.. I want ibuk to be happy again full spirit for adek's wedding. this morning, apart from reading all those emails yang mencuit hati dari blogsahabats, aku dapat email dari sahabatku yang jauh dari pandangan mata. Sedih plak bila baca. Sedih lagi bila terasa diri disayangi oleh teman-teman .. mata ni asyik 'berkaca' dari pagi .. Wa, you really make me worry. Betul ke kau pun dah di detect with ciri2 cancer. Alhamdulillah you know early, insya Allah semoga cancer tu tak menjadi langsung. Wa, i know how you feel skrg. Be strong k, kau kan wati wanita metal yg kental since ti...

wonder how is ibuk progressing .. last i saw her was on friday. Ova the weekend, i couldn't help thinking abt all the people that had left us.. mak andak - last syawal, her son told us she was hospitalised with cancer stage 3. i told him ibuk was on chemo with cancer too at stage 4. We visited mak andak soon after that. She meninggal somewhere in syawal. uncle M - Former MP, he was diagnosed wif Luekemia, a fren ( formerly known as babang) visited him in hospital. He was under chemo. He passed away last friday. Boss grandma - sakit tua (maybe) passed away yesterday. Im counting my blessing .. Ya Allah Ya Rabbi.. tolong sihatkan ibuk kembali. Aku jadi takut dgn kehilangan yang berlaku saban hari. Kimi terlalu sayang dgn Nyai. Setiap hari pasti dia sebut nama Nyai. Kimi masih blum puas manja dgn Nyai. Aku dan adek juga, Buk. Aku rindukan wajah ceria ibuk yang bulat itu..

.. but thank God, husben been very understanding. cos i dun feel quite stable emotionally these days lah. maybe menses.. but maybe worried that ibuk has not been eating well .. *beeb* not talking to *beeb* ... i skip breakfast and drag my lunch by dinner i got no appetite to eat. Im 57kg now .. imagine i was 62kg before ramadhan. Im taking it all silently, Rai. Lately, i been listening to Peterpan ova and ova and ova.. Dilemma Besar, Walau Habis Terang, Kisah Cintaku, Tak Ada yang Abadi. Ariel voice had been my closest comfort when im alone. Can you imagine how emo that cud be? I got the chance to email Rai on how my life had been and reading her reply just brought tears to my eyes. Yes, at last someone who cud listen and understand. Thanks Rai, for sticking around. Im on a breakdown mode. So you can imgaine how fragile my feeling cud be. Recently, i was inform that something is already trying to form in my body. Maybe in 2-3 yrs the growth cud be detected this cud lead to another case...

Today will be ibuk 12th chemo. It will be her last for now. she's losing so much weight. yesterday, i cooked fish soup and sambal kicap. i wudn't know how to cook it if not for ibuk. yeah im a lousy cook! but once i put my hands n thot on it .. hahaha it taste ALMOST hehehe almost like ibuk's dish. Almost jer .. blum sampai standard ibuk lagik. But Ibuk can eat. Ayah too so it surely a great success to me : ) i managed to pujuk ibuk to drink the milk supplement. got the idea from Liz. She told me to add ice cream to the milk and make it like a milkshake kindda thinggy and it works!! Alhamdulilah. wonder what wud be good for ibuk today ... i need a new shoes badly. Hopefully, today will be a good day to look for one ;) hv a good weekend all Hug Hug p/s: sahabatku bang, stay focus and strong. cubaan alam rumahtangga boleh kene pada sesape aje..

my dear Kimi, happy 2nd bday Kimi. Im so sorry due to bad time mgmt i could not find time to get u a cake. You may not know but the guilt is on me. So am trying to make it up for u wif ur Ayah's endorsement of course .. we shall hv a belated bday celebration soon, Insyallah. We can take piccas wif Nyai and Yayi as usual.. and yeyeh too. Bday feels incomplete without them. Maybe (somehow) it will help Nyai who is in pain right now. The bone medicine is killing her spirit .. Oh dear Allah, im seeking mercy from you. Hopefully, the remedy that im bringging home for ibuk later will help her appetite and give her strength, Insyallah. In the meantime, dear lovey and Adib please be well again : )