lunacy - di sini taman langitku

#2 track was not for me but track #12 broke me to tears. Everytime I heard it. You went so soon, you left so soon. I have to move on cos I know it's been to long. I have to be strong and move on.. And I remember all the stories you told me, I missed the time you were around. But I'm so grateful for the time I spent with you. Buk, tahun ni lepas solat, I selalu nangis ingatkan Ibuk . Sejak awal ramadhan lagi, hati rindu sangat dengan Ibuk. Tahun ni, kita sambut raya ala kadar jer Buk. I dah tak kerja, jadi banyak yang I kene cut down. Bila dengar Yeh beli brooch baru, oh baru I ingat kita selalu beli brooch, kasut, beg dan make up baru utk raya. I dah terlupa semua tu sbb I kene budget sekarang Ni. Kalau boleh I tak mau minta lebih walaupun I tahu kalau I minta dia sure kasi tapi I rasa tak sama dgn guna duit sendiri. Jadi tu, I beli mana yang patut je la tahun ni. Dulu pun masa I kecik kita pernah susah so kalau sekarang I tutup sikit sedikit keinginan, Insyallah boleh kan I...

i missed calling ibuk when i felt bored at work i missed calling ibuk just to gossip with her i missed calling ibuk to find out the lastest development of my kids. i missed having ibuk around me. still missing ..

beberapa tapak menuju ke hujung tahun 2010, perasaan berputar alam mengenang dan terkenang peristiwa yang manis namun ada juga insiden yang 'menawarkan' keadaan dalam hubungan sesama insan. Hairan aku bagaiman keakrabaan terkadang disambar oleh perasaan yang memungkarkan keadaan. Setiap hubungan mestilah dibaja agar sentiasa malar segar tak ditelan waktu tapi seandainya apa yang disemai memang sudah tidak mampu untuk bertahan, akan aku redhakan saja. Biarlah ia berlalu, aku tak mampu memburu angin yang berlalu. Hari ini, tangal 29 December hari bersejarah buat aku & lovey. Kami diijab kabulkan sembilan tahun yang lalu. Maknanya lebih kurang 15 tahun aku sudah mengenali lovey. Tahun ini, dgn bantuan adik, aku hadiahkan lovey cincin dari Tiffany & Co. Agak terperanjat juga dia pada mulanya hihi 25 December lepas, genap lah 2 tahun ibuk meninggalkan kami. Menyambut seruan Illahi, pulang kepangkuan Yang Maha Kaya. Kehilangan masih tetap terasa, lebih2 lagi ayah. Pe...

Background mood: berhenti berharap by SO7 and songs fr Krispathi Tahun lepas, aku masih ada ibuk.. tahun ini ibuk dah tak de lagi. 25 December menandakan genap setahun ibuk pulang kerahmatullah. Ringan dada kerana ibuk yang kami sayang sudah selamat bertemu yg Esa. Doa yang tak putus untuk ibuk, Insyallah. Tersenyum aku bila mengenangkan ibuk ... tarikh lahir ibuk jatuh pada hari gaji/bonus aku. Hari kematian ibuk pula jatuh pada cuti umum. Memudahkan kami untuk berkumpul baca tahlil/yasin dan ziarah ibuk di kubur. Sehingga ke akhir hayat pun ibuk masih mengatur perjalan hidup kami. Terima kasih Tuhan tahun ni, aku tak join kismas party. selalu pun tak join 'sangat' tapi tahun ni aku tak join terus. Ramai yg tanya kenapa ?  .. aku tak mau nanti jawapan aku jadi 'anti climax' plak .. so aku kata je tak de pa-pe. tak kan nak cakap im mourning cos its my mom's 1yr death anniversary : ( bebehari lepas lovey called me at the office dan katanya ' i think cuk...

Ayah told me yesterday he dreamt of ibuk, after he read prayer (read:tahlil) for ibuk. In his dream, he saw ibuk waving at him as he alight from a bus. Ibuk wif her short hair, looking young.  Ayah walked to her direction. But before he could get near her, he was awake from his sleep. i think that is so sweet.

beginilah kami mengingati dan merindui ibuk kami. ziarah aku kali ini sungguh memilukan hati. susah nak bendung perasaan 'kehilangan' ini. Tangisan aku tangisan hiba, sedih tak terbendung kerana ibuk tiada lagi. tiada lagi masanya utk kami berkumpul makan kek bersama. bershopping bersama. Cium pipi lembut ibuk. MasyAllah, tetiba terasa dingin dihujung bibir dan hidung seakan terkenang kembali kali terakhir aku mencium mu ibuk. Al-Fatihah.

oh its here again- "Sadness" syukur to mak/bapak for the listening hears, nasihat and help. May Allah bless you with Syurga. ..and special love to my lovey. while i was so much in grief of ibuk, ive neglected one special person that close to my heart. My 'belahan jiwa'. am truly sorry love.. i know u would do anything just to make me happy again. Am so stupid for taking u for granted. the person that always ready to wipe my tears, to hold my hand or gimme a big tight hug when im in need. yeah am the stupid one.. p/s: alfatihah utk ibuk 2bulan sudah..

its ova 40 days.. Insyallah tomorrow tahlil 40 hari @ 3pm..

bila aku baring di katil ibuk; ya ampuuunnnn... rasa rindunyaaa.. air mata terus berlinang. Aku selalu baring2 atas katil dengan ibuk. berbual-bual tentang macam-macam benda. lepas tuu bila ibuk nampak anak-anak uban di kepala aku , ibuk terus cabut kan uban2 yang semakin hari makin bermaharajalela.. dan aku terus terlena.. hari tuu aku rindu dengan ibuk, terasa macam aku ni menunggu bila ibuk nak pulang. hmm if only ibuk pergi dan lepas sebulan kembali ke pangkuan kita, kan bagus? tapi keesokan harinya, kami melawat ibuk di pusara. segalanya pasti. dan baru aku paham kata art fazil tentang 'menanti kepastian' . adik, i selute adik for being able to stay calm so far. ayah, dulu ayah suka hor fun dari sakura. ayah used to share it dgn ibuk. minggu lepas, aku beli hor fun dari sakura, ayah tak jamah sikit pun. lovey, i told him, just in case i suffer the same fate as ibuk, take really good care of the kids for me. He can always re-marry, if he wants too but just mak...

jun kehilangan ayah lin kehilangan ayah ani kehilangan ayah chita kehilangan ayah shanti kehilangan ayah rai kehilangan ayah leha kehilangan ibu dan ayah hilmi kehilangan ibu awan kehilangan dadima yati kehilangan ayah aku kehilangan ibuk bila ku tanya diri sendiri kenapa ye, im making such a big deal that ibuk dah tak de? sedangkan dlm dunia 'aku dan kawan-kawan', mereka juga pernah lalui kehilangan orang yang 'sayangkan' mereka sejak kecil lagi.. aku tanya lin tempoh hari, 'when u lost ur dad, did u take it badly?' lin kata dia sedih .. tapi somehow its not as bad. janji sudah sampai .. ibuk pergi jua.

ibuk, sejak ibuk dah tak de ni.. Bik selalu terkenangkan ibuk. Sekarang Bik cube buat sarapan; roti dan air panas utk mkn kat kereta. Macam yang ibuk selalu buatkan utk bik agan lovey mkn dlm perjalanan ke ofis. Mula tu, Bik cuma siapkan sarapan utk adib kesekolah. Dlm pada itu teringatkan ibuk. Macam gini agaknya perasaan ibuk sediakan sarapan utk kita semua. Bila Bik siapkan roti buat bekal mkn dlm kereta, teringat pula mana airnya? ibuk mesti geleng kepala tak setuju Bik buat kerja tak sempurna kan? So sekarang ni, Bik pack roti dan air teh susu/nescafe tiap pagi utk mkn dlm kereta dgn lovey. Terasa sangat macam waktu dulu.. waktu ibuk sihat. Buk, sejak ibuk tak de .. ayah senyap jer. Berbual pun kengkadang. Setiap hari masuk jer waktu ayah solat dan disusuli dgn bacaan tahlil utk ibuk. Lepas tuu ayah tidur. Ayah kata, sekarang kita semua kene pandang kedepan. "Ayah dapat rasa ibuk aman di sana" kata ayah. Ayah cuci baju sendirik sekarang nih. Semalam Bik beli lauk Asam...

oh its new year already??!! @1 tooks 3 hrs to do a coverage of 2008 after the clock strike 12 welcoming 2009. hmm .. when will they ever learnt to look forward?? hump!! happy new year. we just had tahlil for ibuk 7 days of passing. 2nd person these far i asked 'aunty, are u ok?' and she shooked her head and started crying.

i wrote an email to my former schoolmates this morning, it goes like this: salam. sorry Jah, timing just not good lah. i was at home healing my heart with swollen eyes. i think, this days i take small things too hard, my feeling are just too fragile I miss out kak siti jun sister's wedding too and it just across my house. only remember it yesterday when arbaah called to ask abt the wedding. yesterday, i put on diapers for ibuk. so she won't purge again. her legs too wobbly to walk lah, the oral chemo that doc prescribe for her while in the hospital last week was too strong. I kept on wondering why in the medicine packet there was warning stated "CYTOTOXIC drug, handle wif care" its a toxic drug. Kalau u pengang u kene cepat2 cuci tangan. it cud be fatal. Allah, korang bayangkan my mom was hospitalized for sharp pain in her angkle, no appetite to eat and can't sleep. Now she become bedridden, no appetite to eat cos kat tekak mcm ada benda, minum air kluar kat ...

ibuk was back home on tuesday, just in time for her to watch every housewife fav series "Isteri Untuk Suami". The story doesnt make sense to me. oh ok, let me just shut my mouth abt it. Ibuk appetite had not improve and she could not stand after using the squad toilet. Infact, ibuk jatuh bila cuba nak bangun. Alhamdulilah, we managed to solve that matter by getting her a 'marble stone instant toilet' . Yesterday, ibuk nak makan asam rebus ikan terubuk (my family fav. fish). Ayah bought the fish and i cook for ibuk. Nampak selera Alhamdulilah, she manage to eat tak banyak but still Alhamdulilah. She was in terrrible pain when i came home from work. Ya Allah, aku jadi 'hilang akal' kejap. Ibuk's speech sekarang pun tak clear .. aku takut, aku kasihan dgn ibuk. Dugaan utk ibuk datang secara mendadak. Ya Allah bantulah Ibuk, Ya Allah. Sambutan hari lahir kelmarin pun ibuk hanya baring di katil sambil menyaksikan cucunya happy dapat hadiah. We all kne...

Today will be ibuk 12th chemo. It will be her last for now. she's losing so much weight. yesterday, i cooked fish soup and sambal kicap. i wudn't know how to cook it if not for ibuk. yeah im a lousy cook! but once i put my hands n thot on it .. hahaha it taste ALMOST hehehe almost like ibuk's dish. Almost jer .. blum sampai standard ibuk lagik. But Ibuk can eat. Ayah too so it surely a great success to me : ) i managed to pujuk ibuk to drink the milk supplement. got the idea from Liz. She told me to add ice cream to the milk and make it like a milkshake kindda thinggy and it works!! Alhamdulilah. wonder what wud be good for ibuk today ... i need a new shoes badly. Hopefully, today will be a good day to look for one ;) hv a good weekend all Hug Hug p/s: sahabatku bang, stay focus and strong. cubaan alam rumahtangga boleh kene pada sesape aje..