lunacy - di sini taman langitku

he's having a hard time adjusting. Alhamdulilah, adib get along well with the new arrangement but not kimi. yesterday, he cried too hard in the car after i left him and vomitted. i rush back to the car when i saw it stopped. Hmm kimi..kimi .. changed his clothes and brought him up to the office. alahai, apa halnya dapat kek pun boleh nangis .. tudung/muka amboi tak cum langsung.. tapi tu lah happy moment of being 34!! Hari ni, Friday my dept would be celebrating aug baby bday .. better cabut before i turned to be 'Ning Yatimah' hahaha Thanks for all the wishes dearies .. hehehe cekya, u ciut lah.. tunggu punya tunggu sampai miss the date. Jun, ur not the last .. dun worry, thanks for the afford bila time ok, i shall meet Emah to claim my bday gift ok gurl?? dun be sad.. i know u love me huhu..

the clock passed 12 mid-night. Silent. Had everybody forgotten the date? except for you, ofcourse!! last two days, i cried badly with no tissue in hand. today, lunch was cancelled due to AGM.. im werking on empty stomach Happy 34th Birthday, Babe!! Keep on living..

Alhamdulilah ibuk had started her chemo last friday, she had a good sleep which she had not had for a long time. At home after chemo she slept and drenched with sweat. My fren said its one way for the toxic to get out of the system. We met Sharmila @ NCC. hmm a small world indeed, she was working at the pharmacist where ibuk had her Chemo. An update on ibuk condition, her liver was full of cancer. Her eyes looked bit of yellow, a sign of jaundice. Hopefully, with Chemo, all the unnecessary illness will fade off, Insyallah. My greatest worry apart from ibuk would be Kimi. He had not adjusted well in MIL house. Last week 3 days stayed there for half a day, and he came up wif fever. Today, while he was playing in the room i quickly rushed out of the house. Ya Allah, my heart break to pieces.. its tearing my heart to smaller pieces when i heard he cried ova the phone. I dun care much. I cried under the shelter behind MIL's flat. I dun hv any tissue wif me and i dun hare ....

ada kala .. setiap detik memikirkan ibuk mengalirkan airmata tapi masih lagi tersenyum lebar menonton Calefare di tv ada kala .. aku terima pelukkan menerusi sms dan tersentuh dgn kata2 perangsan dari teman semua. ada kala .. badan, kaki terlalu penat utk melangkah ke mrt utk ke pejabat dan hati sebak bila terpaksa tinggalkan kimi bersama atuk & nenek ada kala .. sms dan email dari sahabat semua menguatkan tekad aku,seakan mrk sentiasa di sisi. Ada yang berkongsi tips kesihatan, air zam-zam, air selawat, air yassin semuanya demi ibuk ada kala .. semangat aku jadi goyah bila ibuk kembali lemah dan aku bersyukur di waktu itu datang sahabat ku seorang lagi menghantar organik food utk ibu

Dear cubaan kali ini terasa semakin berat. aku cuba kuatkan semangat, cekalkan hati. Kerisauan, aku sembunyikan. tak mau ibuk melihat pedih pilu sedih hati ini. pertemuan dgn doc tadi tak sudah2 berulang tayang dlm minda. keadaan ibuk tak baik. ibuk mengidap kanker tahap 4. Astaghfirullah, kenapa kami tak dapat kesan tanda kanker dari awal?? cell kanker dah melarat dari payu dara ke hati dan entah kemana lagi. doc kata its not a death sentence. tapi kenapa rasanya begitu? setiap detik aku berjauhan dari ibuk terasa pilu dlm hati. aku sayangkan ibuk. aku tak mau dia pergi. aku tak tau macam mana perasaan ibuk takat ini. tapi kalau aku jadi ibuk, pastinya aku akan bersedih. sekarang ni, aku rindu ibu lagi. waktu aku di kamar mandi tadi.. aku lihat uban di kepala ku bertambah banyak .. aku rindukan waktu ibuk belai rambutku, cabutkan ubanku .. aku rindu ibuk. dear, terima kasih atas doa, kata2 perangsan, yang kadang kala aku tak dapat nak balas. aku kesedihan setiap malam. kesediha...

and i lost all that i just type. Damn!!

thanks to Ani for the photos. My camera took a rest for a while lah, malas. Check out my red red nose, the beautiful bride and my loving sahabats from school. these days, i take things one at a STEP. started my day bringging anak2 to ibuk house think of breakfast/lunch or dinner bath the kids and see to ibuk, check her temperature, her supplements and etc. get adib ready for school and bring down the kids. School bus came at 11.30am put kimi to sleep or played sesame street for him before i sneak out to work. Alhamdulilah, boss has agreed to let me work part-time for the next two months. I need to make sure ibuk has a good start in the morning. Its tiring, no doubt but satisfying and touching too. Can you imagined washing my parents clothes made me cry thinking how tiring that old body of ibuk might had been. Cooking for them made me cry imagining how much work ibuk had to do just because i said 'dah lama tak makan .. this and that'. Its touching sangat bila menilai balik...

am on 2 days mc. Was coughing real hard that my throat bleed. been taking medicine but still not much of changes. so am on antibiotic starting today. hopefully, i'll get better. sorry for not replying to any msges..was not feeling that good lah further more last friday appt didnt give us much info. Doctor said, yes confirm its KANKER. But still can't determine the primary cause. The cancer cell is moving vigorously but its not straight forward so the doctors, the professors and the oncologist need to sit down on wednesday to discuss the matter. In the meantime, ibuk will go for scope tmrw morning at 10. They need to take a look at the 2 more tumours in her stomach. so pple u can see why i didnt reply to any of ur msges cos its too depressing thinking of my mom condition esp when i, myself is not that well. Attending Sha's wedding turned out emotional for me cos one of my dad's bro was there. He been wanting to talk to me abt my dad's health. Goodness!! at the mo...

Sejak Jumaat lepas, ibuk bertambah sihat Alhamdulilah. Aku pulang semula ke office walau pun hati separuh tenang. Tapi cukup bersyukur dgn kemajuan pada kesihatan ibuk. Terima kasih kepada sahabatz semua Alhamdulilah, dengan izin Allah segalanya mungkin. Waktu2 begini lah kita semua terasa dekat di hati. Tadi, seorang teman merekomen aku utk mulakan pemakanan yg sihat. Kerana ada kemungkinan besar aku dan adek boleh mendapat sakit yg sama seperti ibuk. Dia sendiri mau menghadiahkan utk ibuk obat2 supplement and utk aku; "member dia" katanya wajib utk makan supplement untuk menjauhkan diri dari cell kanker dlm badan. Dengan seloroh aku tanya kan pada dia, 'eh kau takut aku mati cepat ke?' jawabnya, 'eh mestilah kau kan members aku'. Tersenyum aku mendengarnya, sebak pun ada. 'Bang, aku selalu respect dgn semangat kau yg tak kenal jenuh'. Entahlah suatu masa dulu aku selalu merasakan 'sepi tak berteman'. Tapi entah macam mana teman2 muncul kembal...

Are you HOTA? Im HOTA .. starting 1st Aug all muslims in Singapore will be included in the HOTA system unles they choose to be excluded. oh what's HOTA anyway?? It stands for Human Organ Transplants Act. The organs are Kidneys, Heart, Corneas & Liver. Its not necessary means when i die all the 4 organs will be taken out from my body. It all depends .. well, you can google to find out more abt it...

it seems that these days ramai adik-adik ku yg dtg tinggalkan komen, thanks ek! u ols tahu jer how to make me smile.. ok, update on ibuk. Last friday appt at surgical oncology of NCC. the doc was a liver surgeon recommended ibuk to get her breast (which looks like her primary case) check. We got pple who took sample of ibuk blood, do counselling on breast cancer .. and after that ibuk when for a biopsy. tomorrow ibuk is scheduled for a memogram and friday, the biopsy report will be out. For now, ibuk nampak sihat .. ceria dan bertenaga, Alhamdulilah. Selera pun bertambah nampaknya. Alhamdulilah.. she needs that.. she needs all the energy to survive.Terima kasih semua atas doa dan ingatan u ols utk ibuk. Semoga Allah berikan kejayaan dan kebahagiaan utk u ols smua.

oh dear .. am still drowsy ova the cough mixture that at took this morning at 5.30. hehehe so mabuk yet still doing my stats. now that im back in the office, pple are asking abt my mom. What shld i say? can i say "oh she's ok, infact she's taking care my of kids" : ) damn! pple are talking to me abt finding alternatives like getting a maid. "Don't you pity ur mom?" ouchie .. those words cuts me like a knife. their overly concern makes me feel like i am burduning my own ibuk. While the thing is my ayah is not agreeable for us having a maid so is my husband. There are issues that need to be settled and pls dun bombard me wif all these questions am just too drowsy to answer...