lunacy - di sini taman langitku

sejak akhir-akhir ini persoalan tentang mati sering hinggap di minda. Tak, aku tak macam setahun dulu yang ingin mati mengikut jejak ibuk. Aku tak tahu kenapa tapi bayangan 'andai ku pergi dulu sebelum mu' datang setiap kali aku berjalan seorang diri. Entah lah. Apakah tempoh hidup ku akan expire dalam masa terdekat ini wahai Maha Pencipta sekian alam? Bagaimana dengan Lovey, Kimi, Adib .. Adik .. oh Ayah juga. Kengkadang aku rasa macam aku ni pendukung kuat kehidupan ayah sekarang. Perkara yang nak-atau-tak-nak mesti dilakukan. untuk Lovey ku sayang: "Picture this: you and me Walking down a white sand beach We're holding hands the warm wind blow We're all alone" - Painting in my mind by Tommy Page

yesterday when i reached Ayah house, he was sit-sleeping on the sofa. Must had dozed off while waiting for me or the kids to be home. I planned to cook provided i could find stuff in the fridge. I was lucky i guess, i started with the rice first, fried chicken wings and 3 pieces of Batang Steak fish that i bought from NTUC. I was pounding chillies and onion when i Ayah woke up. He went to his room and moment later he came to the kitchen asking what im doing. I told him im cooking "Asam Rebus". He asked me again the same question and i answered him again. Poor Ayah, he must be missing home cook food, esp his late wife super cooking. I told him i bought long beans to go with it and i fried fish too. He opened the cabinet door, took out a plate and started to scoop for rice. Something about being 'orang Jawa' and Asam Rebus i guess. On my part, Panick button was 'ON' .. suddenly i remembered, my Ibuk used to grumble about Ayah. This is one of his old habit ......

Sunday morning i plan to sleep late and somehow lovey quitely and secretly cook nasi lemak for all of us. He watched me cook the 1st time, helped me with the cooking the 2nd time and on the 3rd time he did it on his own. It was amazing coming from someone with no cooking background except to cook rice and fried egg. Alhamdulilah, my sunday felt less tiring. Especially when he helped to iron our kids school uniforms while me coaching adib with his studies. Exam is coming, we hope Adib will perform better, Insyallah. This morning, after i finish ironing Lovey's uniform he said 'thank you'. i just smiled don't know what to say ... i never knew that a simple good night wish from my own sister mean so much to me. Infact, we had a fun- beautiful chat on the phone this morning. Alhamdulilah, all praise to Allah.

yes dear, if one day i meant to go first before you, do read this entry as the antidote to your sadness. i used to think that i could live alone. But i realised it now. Its hard to be on my feet without you by my side. this entry is specially dedicated to you Dear, my husband - the love of my life. You always make me feel loved. Its a funny feeling at first but i know now i could never live without you and your love. sometimes late at night i would hold your hand while you were sleeping and you were always ready to hold my hand tighly. Haha .. i don't know how you did it but it melt my heart everytime you did it.

and once again .. we marched our way to pusara abadi. early monday morning,phone rang .. i checked the time it was 4.22am I picked up the phone. First thot, cud there be anything happened to Ayah. But it was Mak's voice that i was hearing. How about Bapak? Mak requested to speak to Lovey. I passed the phone to him and listened .. It was Pak Ngah. Bapak 2nd brother. He passed away early that morning. ..and once again .. we march our way to pusara abadi. While the guys  busied at the funeral, i busied myself searching for Mar's (read: kubur).  Yup, i found her without much of searching. Being there, brought tears in my eyes, i may not know her that well but what she gone thru in this life time had been hard and full of sadness. Allah knows what is best for all of us.  May Allah grant you Jannah, dear Mar. Next we move on to 'see ibuk'.  Kimi was running making his way to his 'Nyai'. Like me, my kids grow up visiting 'kubur' like going for home visit. Eve...

i had a surprise surprise moment last monday when i saw one of my all time favourite people - Obek Yati. oh yes, its been yrs we didn't contact each other .. what stopping us? i don't know .. both of us never change our job, still working within the same district but we just lost contact. i love her cheerfulness and sweetness .. Dear Obek, you don't know how much i miss you. at last i could concentrate on my work 101%. I've been kind of distracted for the past 3 weeks. My hunting and searching for the right gifts drained my energy. Its nobody's fault and its not even my fault. I just want it to be special and specific so that was what happened. Handling over the pieces ease my mind. I hope i could work on some magic to my dearest ones .. these days, good lunch with good company didn't come easy for me. but i had one of those moment .. when there was just too many to say within limited time. Thanks, its always fun to see you.

i wonder how is ajun doing today? aku ingat lagi, dulu masa ibuk meninggal, Ajun lah anak sedara yg nangis. Dia; anak sedara favorit ibuk ... dua hari lepas, kami diberi khabar Marbiati Jumaat atau pun Mar telah pulang kerahmatullah. Mar walaupun bukan keluarga kami tapi dah dilihat seperti family. Mar ialah gf Ajun, sepupu aku yang sama umur dengan aku. Jauh sebelum ibuk di diagnosis dengan penyakit barah payu dara, Mar sudah pun mendapat sakit itu. Arwah mak Mar meninggal dunia atas penyakit yang sama. Bayangkan pada usia muda, Mar di diagnos dgn penyakit yg berat begini. Kami sebagai orang luar hanya mampu bersimpati dan menghulur doa. Tapi segala kesakitan dan kesusahan Mar yang tanggung. Pejam celik - pejam celik rupanya dah 15 tahun Ajun & Mar berkawan. Selain dari menerima treatment di hospital, aku tahu Ajun ada bawa Mar mencuba perubatan alternatif juga. Pokoknya mereka tak putus harap. Ada beberapa kali aku terserempak Ajun di Cancer Centre dulu waktu aku t...

i dah apply half day tapi boss blum approve sbb she's bz talking abt her fren our PA who might leave this place bcos she would be transferred out to another dept. yesterday, i noticed my boss every now and then her eyes/nose turned red. Yeah i knew how she felt. I remembered that was how i felt when my partner; shanti was transferred out to another dept and ultimately joined another organization. I didn't tease my boss. I let her be .. 2010 is going to be a tough year. Even my plan to make baby this year seems far from target. Im so grateful that mak/bapak are willing to look after my boys. But if im going to have my 3rd one, for sure i wud have to leave my job and be a full time mom. errmmm ...Hey!! its not a bad idea after all, kan? Be a full time mom. Firman Allah yg bermaksud 'setiap anak yang lahir membawa rezeki bersamanya'. SubhanAllah .. shall bare that in mind. i been getting headache this whole week. I wonder why .. Happy Weekend kawan-kawan!!

Shanti!! Oh Shanti!! she waved happily when she saw me. ok no harm, i told myself and walked toward the enthusias lady fren. next sentence came out from her mouth was "are you having a third one?" damn!! two painful comments in a day. My boss said "wah, why so sway?" hahaha I also don't know la dey! Hmm was it the top that i wore yesterday? ermmm looking at myself in the mirror - oh yeah hor .. . tummy go up a bit but no baby inside, fats only. ok lah i got the hint. time to excersice *cheh*

Chana!! Oh Chana!! Ringgaba!! when i was thin and skinny you never said a word. You walked pass by me like you never know me all you life. Now, im getting back my momentum and gain some weight and you suddenly stop by and said "you gain weight ah" aiyayayayayay ... happily i said "Oh yes i did" Sucker

someone said something. buat hati ku terasa sakit. kalau aku berterus terang nanti cerita berjangkit-jangkit. aku tulis disini buat tatapan aku sendiri. kau yg aku sayang, tapi mungkin sayang kita tak sama rata. aku pujuk hati yg rajuk untuk terus berhibur walau dalam hati pedih sekali. kau yg aku sayang, tapi sayang kita jauh beza. aku gagahkan hati, bahagia dan redha dengan keadaan diri kau yang aku sayang, tapi sayang kita hanya pada nama ke?

we heard story someone made kimi cried unnecessarily last week. Hmmm ... anyone wanna own up?