lunacy - di sini taman langitku

Setting: Kedai kopi koufu Next week I'll be doing my practical driving (mood: seram sejuk). Bagaimana harus aku ucapkan syukur pada Mu sedangkan tiada bahasa Yg dapat mengambarkan perasaan ini. Jumaat yg lalu, seperti biasa kami ke T3, changi airport. Anak2 seperti biasa enak2 bermain. Lalu dtg sekumpulan jemaah Indonesia Yg baru pulang menunaikan ibadah umrah. Tiada satu pun ibu2 dan bapak2 yg bisa mengukir senyuman. Heran ya? Waktu berlalu.. Jemaah itu masih tidak berganjak, mereka seperti Ada masalas pulang ke tanah air. Aku lihat Ada seorang kakek berjalan ke sana sini lalu aku jemput "Bapak" itu duduk. Lalu aku mulai berbual. Bapak itu katanya kaget melihat aku kerana sangkanya aku ini cucu dia yg bernama NurHalimah. Katanya lagi mereka tak bisa pulang kerana ada masalah. Dari mekah mereka ke Doha utk beberapa jam. Lalu terbang lagi dan sampai ke SG sejak pagi tadi. Mereka tak cukup duit. Yg Ada hanya Wang rupiah Yg tak laku di SG. Dia minum secawan kopi kon...

I'm having a bad feeling. I dont like it at all and I hope I'm wrong. I think Bapak at his age now sometimes his 'agaration' when driving can be quite off. I'm worried for his safely and everyone else too. I'm thinking of the best possible ways to make Bapak less driving. I'm suck at it. I got a call fr SIL. She wanted to know if I could look after her baby whenever she got event to attend. But she wanted me to stay at Mak house instead of sending the baby to my house. Hmmm my chest got congested suddenly. Further to that she also wanted her baby to get familiarise with me which mean I hv to carry the baby from now on??!!! Spoke to lovey abt it and he was not that excited with the idea. Oh gosh!! .. We'll see but from what I see now its a win-lose situation.

And who can refuse such a sweet lil thing? Syukur Ya Allah, Alhamdulilah. I could feel his happiness when he held Thia in his arm sambil baca2kan selawat like how he did to the boys. Gently, he tucked her in on her crib. Slowly arranging her pink dress properly.. I will continue to doa Ya Rabb. Thank u for the reminder.. It's all sweet now. Alhamdulilah. He even asked abt her milk formula, just in case he could find a cheaper price at the shop we frequent. And he's thinking abt what to get for Thea. All praise to Allah. All praise to Allah

Syukur to you my Lord, u answered my prayer. Alhamdulilah with the help and doa from everyone things are moving positively well. Thank you to my adek2 for the love and concern. Thank you for taking the big step. I love you so much for that, lovey been quiet abt it. But he's not moody either. Guess, it will somehow heal. I must be the happiest person yesterday, holding Athea again in my arm, she's baby shmall!! Kimi just so "geram" of her. By end of the day, baby shmall left her smell on me hahaha And yes, I hv too many grey hair these days...

It's 1.16am Ya Allah Ya Rabb .. Aku mohon yang terbaik dari Mu. Kau permudahkanlah. Amin.

Thanks to papa Kiki..

Wahai taman langitku, aku gembira krn aku masih ada kamu. Aku terjaga dari mimpi ditengah Mlm ini dan aku rindukan mrk berdua. Ya Allah, setiap masa hati ku pd mrk. Sakit hati ini menjadi benci. Kala ini kebahagiaanku aku, dah aku buang jauh. Ya Allah.. .

The headache causing fever. Last nite I hit the bed once I was home. I just shut down everything and sleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night I woke up and started to weep. Life is too painful to bear. Crying over ibuk knowing that she no longer exist in this world is one thing but crying over baby t and d while knowing they just a stone thrown away is maddening . I've been in this sorrow mode ever since baby t was born. Poor baby, it wasn't your fault at all. Bubu long need to abide to her husband wish, thats where my surga is. At the same time I pray to Allah asking for our family to be together again as before.

I'm sorry Suaidah because of what happened I'm cant look at you full of love like I used to. It's too hurtful cos I'm missing my baby T. My thots and prayers to u and ur mommy always. There is little that I can do to change the what's happening to our family except to leave it all to Allah. Oh Allah, it's getting painful, my heart sore everyday. Pls help us Ya Rabb...

You're happiness means the world to me. I am upset (still) but I will not pull you and trap you into the web of sadness. I've ordered Red Velvet Cake for your bday, dear. Kak Siti, our neighbour did it for us. It was so yummy!!. May our love stays stronger dear, happiness always!

Sleepless night cos my heart and prayers are with them always. I may not be there with them but my love for them stays strong. It hurts every now and then. ... If only you could apologise, things wont be this hard. I'm missing u baby girl, always.

Syukurku atas segalanya ya Allah. Ampunkan aku jika selama ini aku lalai ya Allah. DugaanMu kali ini mendekatkan aku padaMu. Ya Allah, terima kasih kerana kau dekatkan aku dengan mereka yg beriman dan solehah. Nasihat mereka membuka mindaku yang semakin kusut dan sempit.Sesungguhnya aku bodoh tak pandai menegakkan keadaan. Aku tak pandai mencelah kata2 mereka. Maafkan aku lovey, kelemahan aku menyebabkan engkau terus dikata. Barangkali ayah lupa suatu waktu dulu aku lah yang memujuk hatinya supaya memaafkan adik (atas nasihat lovey). Barangkali ayah lupa bertapa marahnya dia saat itu. Segala kekesalan dan kekecewaan yg dia sampai kan padaku waktu itu masih aku ingat tapi akhirnya dia lembut juga, aku bersyukur. Dan sekarang perasaan yang sama menyelubungi lovey. Aku puas memujuk tapi masih tak berhasil. Siang tadi aku dengarkan saja kata-kata ayah tentang isu ini. Aku tak bantah kerana aku tak mau ayah sakit dada. Lovey hanya mahukan kata maaf tapi jika kemaafan itu terlalu tinggi nil...

Syukurku atas segalanya ya Allah. Ampunkan aku jika selama ini aku lalai ya Allah. DugaanMu kali ini mendekatkan aku padaMu. Ya Allah, terima kasih kerana kau dekatkan aku dengan mereka yg beriman dan solehah. Nasihat mereka membuka mindaku yang semakin kusut dan sempit. Sesungguhnya aku bodoh tak pandai menegakkan keadaan. Aku tak pandai mecela kata2 mereka. Maafkan aku lovey, kelemahan aku menyebabkan engkau terus dikata. Barangkali ayah lupa suatu waktu dulu aku lah yang memujuk hatinya supaya memaafkan adik (atas nasihat lovey). Barangkali ayah lupa bertapa marahnya dia saat itu. Segala kekesalan dan kekecewaan yg dia sampai kan padaku tapi akhirnya dia lembut juga. Dan sekarang perasaan yang sama menyelubungi lovey. Aku puas memujuk tapi masih tak berhasil. Siang tadi aku dengarkan saja kata-kata ayah tentang isu ini. Aku tak bantah kerana aku tak mau ayah sakit dada. Lovey hanya mahukan kata maaf tapi jika kemaafan itu terlalu tinggi buat mu. Aku terpaksa mengundur diri. Ak...

And the story of love continue.. I've seen blogsahabats are back updating their blog. I hope the others will follow too. I can't get too personal in FB cos I wouldn't want everyone to see me this way.

Jangan Kau provoke hati ini. Hati ini sudah lama aku matikan amarahnya. Aku siramkan dgn Iman dan cinta. Aku ikhlaskan segalanya. Biar apa pun rasanya, aku tempuh dan redhan dgn niat lillahi taala. Tapi pada masa ini, imanku menipis mungkin, sabarku pamit, hatiku tercalar. Aku jadi sakit dengan situasi sekarang, mati walaupun itu yang aku harapkan ia tidak dtg bergolek. Kata-kata mu meyakinkan aku dengan 'kesialanku'. Hati ini bertambah lemah. La hawlawala... Aku perlukan doa kamu semua. Aku perlu Allah melembutkan hati kalian. Aku perlukan semua berbaik semua.

This year his bday came a day late cos of leap year. I'm still wondering what to get for him within a very tight budget :) I'm trying my best to be as much as what he hope me to be but time and again, things happened that upset him. I starting to hv doubt on myself these days. Was i really that bad? Ya Rabb, if its all bcos of me, help Ya Rabb.. I love him so much and I want him to enjoy life with happiness and full of Barakah. If I'm the reason that cause him all the sadness, pull me away from him. If I can't be the bridge to pple happiness take me away Ya Rabb, it hurtful enuf as it is and I can't be crying everyday and I hate to put on a happy face when my heart is being torn apart. I'm tired going around asked for help and nothing seems to be working. Now I wish I could fade away and be gone ..