Thursday, February 4, 2016


I wanted to write more but i cant.
I sedih la.
I sedang cuba menahan sedih.
I redha dengan qada'&qadar dari Allah.
Tapi air mata ni....

Monday, January 18, 2016

dear Shan

What was the dream about?
Im doing fine i guess. Just getting heavier cos its the eating season for me. Im trying to help my baby to gain more weight. Oh in case u dont know, we plan to name her Hana Adeena.
Shan, during the 5th mth detail scan (last dec), Doc found a lot of abnormalities with baby Adeena. Its due to lack of some numbers of chromosome. Maybe due to my age. Doc suggested for me to terminate the baby as they found that baby is too small, there's hole in her heart, her breathing tube seems to be lesser, her left kidney is smller than her right. If I didnt terminate the baby, she will just stop growing and parish.
But I couldnt do it Shan. Only God can take away live. Furthermore, she's bn so active kicking and responding to our voices all this while that I've decided to keep it and pray for miracles.

During the 22nd week her size is abt 18th wks baby.
When she's 24th week, she is abt 22wks baby.

Now that i no longger vomitted my food, I hope she can get all the food and supplement to help her grow well.

So im in my 26th weeks now..
During last week check up, doc asked me for my plan for the baby.
Do the amnio test, check on baby chromosome and another detail scan. Get the best baby heart surgeon to see the report and get his views whether its worth or not to save the baby right after birth.
Hold her in my arms right after birth until she turns blue due to lack of oxygen support in maybe 2hrs and say my goodbye.

Both are just too heavy to deal with. Only crying seems to be the immediate reaponds. But for now, im feeling better and keep on praying for baby Adeena.
Do you know during the first scan, we could see her hand as if  waving at us. That is how sweet she is.. I ever told her to give a hard kick so Adib can feel her and she did!! I told her to do the same for Kimi and she did as well. There was once, doc was trying to check on her gender and I told her to show to Taha that she is a girl. You know what she did? She straighten her leg and open it wide!!! Gosh!! Thats how wonderful and special Adeena is and im just too sad to talk about it that i could only write it here for friends to read.
Shan, u said before God will help us cos we are good pple, and im holding on to that.
Im hoping for His Grace and miracles. But whatever the outcome is, we live it in God's hand cos He is the best Planner and the All Knowing whats best for us.

There, Ive said it all. Writing while tears on my cheeck.. its another test from God and it help us to stay grounded and thankful for every minute we have as a family.

Love as always,

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Hello Hana Adeena I pray to Allah to keep you safe all the time. Ayah has been taking good care of us. That only Allah can repay his kindness.

The appt with Gynea last week was heart breaking. Cos Ibu and Ayah had build this wall to stay emotionally strong but words fr Gynea seemed to break it. Alhamdulilah, after a week, we are back on track. Happy and praying to your growth n health and may you able to grow as per normal babies. May your heart get stronger and not turn blue when i hold you in my arms in few months time.

We love you baby Adeena. Barakallah fika...

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Ibuk left us on chrismas day. So for the past 5yrs we visited her kubur on 25th Dec with ayah. On the 6th year, ayah too left us on 23rd Nov 2014. This year marked the 1st year ayah left and 7th for Ibuk. Visitting ibuk and ayah kubur felt like its time to let go what was in my mind. I hold the tombstone and told them about Adeena. As if they were there, comforting me. I guess its the only way to feel their existant "physically". Tho ayah and ibuk had been appearing in my dream quite a number of time.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

kicking well.. Alhamdulilah

Last night while all of us getting ready to sleep, Adib asked about how was Adeena doing. I told Adib to recite some surah from Quran and touched my tummy. True enough, baby Adeena started to move towards Adib voice and he could feel her moving. I told Adeena to move again and let Abang Adib to feel her and she did. Subhanallah, she such a wonderful baby.

Even now when i am typing and waiting for fajr, she is kicking... grow well ya sayang. Grow healthily... we all love you, Adeena.