lunacy - di sini taman langitku

i can't believe my ears when lovey told me he found red watery spots on kimi's body. so what now?? i had everything plan out for today, buy lunch early to escape long queue and continue with my work. But right before i left my workstation, phone rang and lovey told me about kimi's condition. there you go. i lost all my appetite .. how am i suppose to finish my work if tomorrow i had to take care of kimi at home? No, im not complaining, im just trying to find strenght. Dearest "el" had been my source of strenght indirectly. i admired "el" a lot, the attitude and strength amazed me. But dear "el" suddenly decided to lie low. So at this moment, i was left with "me" crying alone while typing this entry.

i cudn't find you, i wonder what when wrong? ive no answer to my own question only you know it.

beberapa tahun dulu waktu aku berborak dengan Awan di dunia cyber, dia ada beritahu aku yang bersahabatan tu perlu dibaja selalu. Entah kenapa sejak hari tu kata-kata itu seakan melekat dlm otak aku. Dan setiap kali bila sesuatu persahabatan yg terjalin menunjukkan tanda-tanda kelayuan kata-kata itu berligar lagi di dalam minda aku. Semacam lonceng 'red alert' keudara tak mahu berhenti. Aku cuba juga tekan butang 'snooze' tapi cuma buat beberapa ketika saje sebelum amaran merah bersuara lagi. *pelik kan?*

im in no position to understand everyone so as for now, i shall let it be. i was complaining to lovey about not having a watch sampai i sibuk shopping, lambat balik ofis. so i got a new one from him, Alhamdulilah. Bless him for the quick 'pick-up' to my hint. We passed by a watch shop and he told me to choose one, intead I told him to choose one for me .. i feel proud wearing something to his liking. Funny, i never feel like this before ..

sejak akhir-akhir ini persoalan tentang mati sering hinggap di minda. Tak, aku tak macam setahun dulu yang ingin mati mengikut jejak ibuk. Aku tak tahu kenapa tapi bayangan 'andai ku pergi dulu sebelum mu' datang setiap kali aku berjalan seorang diri. Entah lah. Apakah tempoh hidup ku akan expire dalam masa terdekat ini wahai Maha Pencipta sekian alam? Bagaimana dengan Lovey, Kimi, Adib .. Adik .. oh Ayah juga. Kengkadang aku rasa macam aku ni pendukung kuat kehidupan ayah sekarang. Perkara yang nak-atau-tak-nak mesti dilakukan. untuk Lovey ku sayang: "Picture this: you and me Walking down a white sand beach We're holding hands the warm wind blow We're all alone" - Painting in my mind by Tommy Page

yesterday when i reached Ayah house, he was sit-sleeping on the sofa. Must had dozed off while waiting for me or the kids to be home. I planned to cook provided i could find stuff in the fridge. I was lucky i guess, i started with the rice first, fried chicken wings and 3 pieces of Batang Steak fish that i bought from NTUC. I was pounding chillies and onion when i Ayah woke up. He went to his room and moment later he came to the kitchen asking what im doing. I told him im cooking "Asam Rebus". He asked me again the same question and i answered him again. Poor Ayah, he must be missing home cook food, esp his late wife super cooking. I told him i bought long beans to go with it and i fried fish too. He opened the cabinet door, took out a plate and started to scoop for rice. Something about being 'orang Jawa' and Asam Rebus i guess. On my part, Panick button was 'ON' .. suddenly i remembered, my Ibuk used to grumble about Ayah. This is one of his old habit ......

Sunday morning i plan to sleep late and somehow lovey quitely and secretly cook nasi lemak for all of us. He watched me cook the 1st time, helped me with the cooking the 2nd time and on the 3rd time he did it on his own. It was amazing coming from someone with no cooking background except to cook rice and fried egg. Alhamdulilah, my sunday felt less tiring. Especially when he helped to iron our kids school uniforms while me coaching adib with his studies. Exam is coming, we hope Adib will perform better, Insyallah. This morning, after i finish ironing Lovey's uniform he said 'thank you'. i just smiled don't know what to say ... i never knew that a simple good night wish from my own sister mean so much to me. Infact, we had a fun- beautiful chat on the phone this morning. Alhamdulilah, all praise to Allah.