ibuk now..

i wrote an email to my former schoolmates this morning, it goes like this:

salam. sorry Jah, timing just not good lah. i was at home healing my heart with swollen eyes. i think, this days i take small things too hard, my feeling are just too fragile I miss out kak siti jun sister's wedding too and it just across my house. only remember it yesterday when arbaah called to ask abt the wedding.
yesterday, i put on diapers for ibuk. so she won't purge again. her legs too wobbly to walk lah, the oral chemo that doc prescribe for her while in the hospital last week was too strong. I kept on wondering why in the medicine packet there was warning stated "CYTOTOXIC drug,
handle wif care" its a toxic drug. Kalau u pengang u kene cepat2 cuci tangan. it cud be fatal. Allah, korang bayangkan my mom was hospitalized for sharp pain in her angkle, no appetite to eat and can't sleep.
Now she become bedridden, no appetite to eat cos kat tekak mcm ada benda, minum air kluar kat hidung. red spots on her face and body. kulit jadi tipis, bowels problem, kaki and muka bengkak. Dammit lah im just too angry and too sad. i found from the net the side effect of Capecitabine. it works well wif pple yang cancer dah teruk but for ibuk case, the chemo was stronger than her cancer and it cud cause her life if she continue to take it.
these are the side effects and ibuk had it all:
Feeling sick (nausea) and being sick (vomiting),Sore mouth and ulcers,Taste changes, Diarrhoea, Abdominal pain and constipation, Loss of appetite, Skin changes , Tiredness and feeling weak ,Bruising or bleeding, Hair loss Headaches and dizziness, Changes in the way your heart works, Increased production of tears
smlm lepas kerja, aku balik tengok ibuk. Bergetar dlm hati .. mata
ibuk sebelah sepet..sbb bengkak kat mata. Ya Rabbi, remuk hati aku waktu tuu.. ni type email pun mata aku dah berkaca. yes, dijah .. semoga masin kata2 u tuu. Yes, doa teman2 much appreciate utk ibuk.
wasalam

today is the 23rd of December. I don't feel the festive mood at all. last year was such a bliss and now am moodless. ive been doing my work quietly and so was my boss at the next workstation. suddenly, ayah called to ask me to cook wintermelow soup for ibuk. its good for detoxification. best person to ask for recipe wud be boss. Like me, she too lost her dad 3yrs ago due to liver cancer. Recently, her grandma passed on. That was why, she understood very much what i'd gone thru everyday in my life. Talking to her abt soup to ibuk condition and her experiences with cancer patients left us both in tears. Its painful yet we glad to be able to be around our mother/father while they still around and breathing.

me aka auto crying machine