lunacy - di sini taman langitku

he's having a hard time adjusting. Alhamdulilah, adib get along well with the new arrangement but not kimi. yesterday, he cried too hard in the car after i left him and vomitted. i rush back to the car when i saw it stopped. Hmm kimi..kimi .. changed his clothes and brought him up to the office. alahai, apa halnya dapat kek pun boleh nangis .. tudung/muka amboi tak cum langsung.. tapi tu lah happy moment of being 34!! Hari ni, Friday my dept would be celebrating aug baby bday .. better cabut before i turned to be 'Ning Yatimah' hahaha Thanks for all the wishes dearies .. hehehe cekya, u ciut lah.. tunggu punya tunggu sampai miss the date. Jun, ur not the last .. dun worry, thanks for the afford bila time ok, i shall meet Emah to claim my bday gift ok gurl?? dun be sad.. i know u love me huhu..

the clock passed 12 mid-night. Silent. Had everybody forgotten the date? except for you, ofcourse!! last two days, i cried badly with no tissue in hand. today, lunch was cancelled due to AGM.. im werking on empty stomach Happy 34th Birthday, Babe!! Keep on living..

Alhamdulilah ibuk had started her chemo last friday, she had a good sleep which she had not had for a long time. At home after chemo she slept and drenched with sweat. My fren said its one way for the toxic to get out of the system. We met Sharmila @ NCC. hmm a small world indeed, she was working at the pharmacist where ibuk had her Chemo. An update on ibuk condition, her liver was full of cancer. Her eyes looked bit of yellow, a sign of jaundice. Hopefully, with Chemo, all the unnecessary illness will fade off, Insyallah. My greatest worry apart from ibuk would be Kimi. He had not adjusted well in MIL house. Last week 3 days stayed there for half a day, and he came up wif fever. Today, while he was playing in the room i quickly rushed out of the house. Ya Allah, my heart break to pieces.. its tearing my heart to smaller pieces when i heard he cried ova the phone. I dun care much. I cried under the shelter behind MIL's flat. I dun hv any tissue wif me and i dun hare ....

ada kala .. setiap detik memikirkan ibuk mengalirkan airmata tapi masih lagi tersenyum lebar menonton Calefare di tv ada kala .. aku terima pelukkan menerusi sms dan tersentuh dgn kata2 perangsan dari teman semua. ada kala .. badan, kaki terlalu penat utk melangkah ke mrt utk ke pejabat dan hati sebak bila terpaksa tinggalkan kimi bersama atuk & nenek ada kala .. sms dan email dari sahabat semua menguatkan tekad aku,seakan mrk sentiasa di sisi. Ada yang berkongsi tips kesihatan, air zam-zam, air selawat, air yassin semuanya demi ibuk ada kala .. semangat aku jadi goyah bila ibuk kembali lemah dan aku bersyukur di waktu itu datang sahabat ku seorang lagi menghantar organik food utk ibu

Dear cubaan kali ini terasa semakin berat. aku cuba kuatkan semangat, cekalkan hati. Kerisauan, aku sembunyikan. tak mau ibuk melihat pedih pilu sedih hati ini. pertemuan dgn doc tadi tak sudah2 berulang tayang dlm minda. keadaan ibuk tak baik. ibuk mengidap kanker tahap 4. Astaghfirullah, kenapa kami tak dapat kesan tanda kanker dari awal?? cell kanker dah melarat dari payu dara ke hati dan entah kemana lagi. doc kata its not a death sentence. tapi kenapa rasanya begitu? setiap detik aku berjauhan dari ibuk terasa pilu dlm hati. aku sayangkan ibuk. aku tak mau dia pergi. aku tak tau macam mana perasaan ibuk takat ini. tapi kalau aku jadi ibuk, pastinya aku akan bersedih. sekarang ni, aku rindu ibu lagi. waktu aku di kamar mandi tadi.. aku lihat uban di kepala ku bertambah banyak .. aku rindukan waktu ibuk belai rambutku, cabutkan ubanku .. aku rindu ibuk. dear, terima kasih atas doa, kata2 perangsan, yang kadang kala aku tak dapat nak balas. aku kesedihan setiap malam. kesediha...

and i lost all that i just type. Damn!!